THE CHARIOT PETITION

presented by J:

yesterday, i was rear-ended at the intersection of Ft. Worth Drive and I-35 E (N).  i had come to a complete stop at a red light and was looking out for the cross-traffic to find the opportune moment to turn right on a red (“why would i want to move somewhere where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red?” -Alvy Singer in Annie Hall, concerning Los Angeles).  and that is exactly when someone else, (not to name any names, Michael D. Gill of Carrollton, TX) was not looking and rear-ended me.

the good news is that he seemed to take a vast majority of the damage, as his dangling VW logo on the grill signified.  i have never been more proud of my 2006 Ford Escape.

however, my back began to feel a bit sore last night after the incident and has been sore all day, i am loathe to admit.  my aching back has caused me to come to this conclusion:  we should go back to chariots and/or carriages.

here are my reasons:

I. reason the first:
chariots and/or carriages are not accident-prone.  when driving a chariot or carriage, you are unlikely to “accidentally” run into someone.  there were no “accidents” involving chariots in ancient times.  if you ran into someone with your chariot, it was because you were in a battle.  you meant to hit them with your chariot, and chances were, they deserved it because they were probably going to try the same thing.

even if there was an “accident,” let’s face it-the horses and/or bovines were going to take the brunt of the force, leaving the driver fairly intact.  that’s real horse power, for ya.

II. reason the second:
chariots and/or carriages are environmentally-friendly.  neither require gas (petrol, for my british-speaking friends) to operate, nor even the cleaner option of electricity.  in fact, they actually give back resources to the environment.  how, you ask?

well…

horses and/or bovines are well-known to defecate on a frequent basis, nor do they own the manners to do this in designated locales.  horse and/or bovine defecation is well-known to be a potent fertilizer of the earth.

III. reason the third:
chariots and/or carriages would make us more conscious of our time and less wasteful.  because they move slower than automobiles, one would be more conscious about how to spend their time most effectively.  nowadays, if something is 25 miles away, we just zip on over there and don’t think twice about it.

but back in the days of Scarlett O’Hara, it wasn’t that simple.  25 miles meant a whole day of traveling.  i bet if it took that long to travel 25 miles, we’d think more about which errands/outings are really the most important.

IIII. reason the fourth:

that’s all i have to say about that.

IIIII. reason the fifth:

chariots and/or carriages are good for you.  they require the driver to get lots of fresh air, use a whip (which works out the biceps and triceps exceptionally well), and in the case of chariots, requires one to stand for much of the driving time.  if every American started using a chariot instead of their lush cars, we could wipe out American obesity within the year.  bam!.

6. reason the sixth:

horses are awesome-who wouldn’t want to own one?  and bovines?  they’re pretty righteous too, right?

IVIII. reason the seventh:

no more radio!  don’t get me wrong, radio has done wonderful things for the world…but in this day and age of nickelbacks and bieber fevers, i think we would all be better off without it.

i think i have made a rather convincing argument, if i do say so myself…and i do.  i know there will be naysayers out there who will say nay to chariots and/or carriages due to complaints involving “unreliability,” “dangerous jostling,” “inefficiency,” and “wheels randomly coming off causing death” (as if that doesn’t happen with automobiles).

i suspect the only people who will be against this will be the animal-rights activists.  and though i understand their concern, i think very few of them actually own horses and/or bovines and therefore shouldn’t have much say in the matter.

maybe i’m just sore because of my sore back.  i don’t deny the possibility.  i’ve said much more than i meant to on this subject and will end now.

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